I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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