So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
