Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
