so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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