she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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