I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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