I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
