It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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