My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
