textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
