I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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