So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
