He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
