im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
