you didnt know i had herpes?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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