i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
