i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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