the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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