I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bang-toberfest begins!!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
