Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
