Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
