i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
