So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
