So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
