he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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