College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
