any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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