Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
