Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
then he tried to convert me to islam
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
