My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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