is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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