A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
