god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
