i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
