I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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