There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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