I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
