you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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