If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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