just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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