Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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