this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
