eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
