you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
