I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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