OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
