That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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