The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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