I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
