There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
